How do you break the Distancer on the pursuer cycle?

In order to break the cycle and transform the pursuer-distancer pattern into a healthy relationship, both partners need to find their own balance between solitude and connection. In essence, each partner needs to be able to be alone and also to connect with others.

What happens when the pursuer stops pursuing?

The amazing thing that happens when the pursuer stops pursuing, however, is that your partner stops feeling the need to distance him/herself emotionally or physically. Suddenly the threat has disappeared and there is no reason to distance him/herself anymore.

Who is a Distancer?

Pursuers are known for being outcome dependent and have a hard time making changes without expectations. Distancers are known for being stubborn and have difficulty making the first move when under pressure.

What is distancing in a relationship?

Emotional distancing in a relationship happens when one of you feels like the other is asking too much or is feeling smothered in the relationship. The distancing partner attempts to put space between you to reduce anxiety. If one partner pursues the other, the distance becomes greater in response.

How to avoid the pursuer-Distancer pattern in your relationship?

With proper information and willingness, you can choose how you will respond to the pursuer-distancer pattern when it happens in your relationship. Dr. Lerner notes something I see consistently with clients who are pursuers. The pursuer is the one in more distress about the distance, and more motivated to change the pattern.

Is the pursuer-Distancer cycle a dysfunctional cycle?

This cycle, pursuer-distancer can become dysfunctional and strain relationships; let’s take a look at it. The pursuer-distancer pattern is one of the most common patterns in how couples handle interpersonal conflict or the problems that arise between them.

When does the pursuer-Distancer dynamic persist in a second marriage?

He also warns us that if it’s not changed, the pursuer-distancer dynamic will persist into a second marriage or subsequent intimate relationships. Partners in intimate relationships tend to blame the other person when their needs are not being met. A pursuer-distancer dance follows, which intensifies the dynamic.

Can a Distancer have more power than a pursuer?

Distancers often have more power, in the sense that they may be withholding affection, avoiding intimacy, or controlling how much closeness they’ll allow with their partner. This can leave their partners feeling frustrated, and they may become increasingly desperate, focused, clingy, or driven to get their needs met.